Tyrannosaurus Rant: Bold Predictions for NFL Week 8

Welcome back, my Rantamaniacs, to T-Rant! The regular season is almost half way through; so let’s get started with my bold predictions and musings as we head into Week 8 of the NFL season.

After losing defensive stalwart Lance Briggs to a shoulder fracture in Sunday’s game against the Washington Redskins, Chicago Bears GM Phil Emery will show his outside the box thinking this week by signing former office linebacker Terry Tate to a one-year deal. We’re going to miss you, Terry.

The New York Daily News reported that New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan allegedly asked his team to abstain from sex in the days leading up to this past Sunday’s upset win over the New England Patriots. Following the victory, Ryan told his team to celebrate by having sex with each other as much as they wanted.

He then added that his wife recently informed him of the location of the ever elusive G-Spot, and that it can be found somewhere on the left foot, right between the piggy who went home…and roast beef.

Next up, Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski will be making his second start of the season against the Miami Dolphins this Sunday. When asked minutes before the contest what type of pregame activities he took part in to get ready for the matchup, Gronkowski will respond by saying, “Ya know, I just did the normal pre-gaming stuff I always do. Couple of beer bongs, some beer pong, flip cup, and a whole lotta shots– Wait, you were asking about football, weren’t you? [Expletive]!”

In lieu of a season-ending ACL injury to starting quarterback Sam Bradford, the St. Louis Rams will bring in unemployed quarterback Tim Tebow to face the Seattle Seahawks as he leads the team…in it’s pregame prayer. But, despite the good graces of Football Jesus, the Rams still lose by…a hundred. Amen.

Finally, in the days leading up to their bout against the Redskins, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning will be asked how has been coping with the team’s first loss of the season. Manning will respond by saying, “Well, whenever I’m feeling down, I just call up my 1998 draft buddy Ryan Leaf for advice. Because there is nothing that makes me feel better, then to hear his soothing voice, on the voicemail of the Montana State Prison Facility.

That’s it for Week 8, everyone! Be sure to join me for T-Rant again next week, as I deliver you more of tomorrow’s biggest news, today!