Man Up: Dez Bryant and the Latest S.A.S.

Hello boys, and welcome back to Man Up! The segment where I tell you how to stop acting like prepubescent schoolboy, and start acting like man. I’m your host, Richard Steele. So, let’s get started, because my Japanese masseuse will be here shortly.

Today, I want to talk about a serious affliction that is affecting professional athletes across the globe: S.A.S or better known as Spoiled Athlete Syndrome. Specifically, I want to talk about the NFL’s most recent case of S.A.S.: Dallas Cowboys’ diva extraordinaire Dez Bryant.

Mr. Bryant suffers from an extreme case of Spoiled Athlete Syndrome, exhibiting all the symptoms of a typical S.A.S. sufferer, but to the utmost degree. The first indicator of a potential S.A.S. casualty is exaggerated arm movement. If you ever see a professional athlete moving his arms and hands around like he’s trying to scare away a mountain lion — and he’s not on the field of play — there’s a good chance, he’s got the sickness.

Next, you may have noticed how Mr. Bryant runs up and down the sideline like an incensed maniac, yelling and ranting with no real purpose other than to strike fear into the hearts and minds of teammates and small animals. This type of crazed manic episode is a perfect example of symptom number two of S.A.S.

The final and most confirming symptom of Spoiled Athlete Syndrome is a relapse to infancy. Bryant parades the sidelines whining and crying, like a little baby who is desperate for its mother’s sweet, sweet nectar. It’s pathetic.                                                                                                           

If you fear your favorite athlete might be turning into a spoiled, entitled princess like Bryant, reach out to them now. Otherwise, they might be the latest victim of this epidemic that turns full grown men, into big, fat, babies.

For Man Up, this is Richard Steele. Stay manly my friends.