Rant Fiction: LeBron James Joins the Lakers in 2014 NBA Free Agency

Welcome to our newest segment Rant Fiction! Today we’re going to talk about what would happen if LeBron James were to leave the Miami Heat at the end of this season for the Los Angeles Lakers.

LBJ is unquestionably the best player in today’s NBA, but with an opt-out clause in his contract looming at the end of this season, it is entirely plausible that LeBron could find the glitz and glam of L.A. too tempting to pass up causing him to put South Beach in his rearview mirror.

By joining the Lakers, LeBron’s departure would create a tectonic power shift in the NBA landscape. The Heat’s reversal of fortune would become the laughingstock of the league and the city of Miami would undoubtedly drift further beneath the waters of the Atlantic Ocean, eventually finding itself completely submerged without the buoyancy of James’ ego keeping it afloat.

Meanwhile in L.A., Kobe Bryant, finally feeling the effects of father time, will opt of his contract and abruptly retire, giving LeBron full reign as the new headliner for the Lakeshow. However, as the season progresses, a covetous Kobe will lurk in the shadows of Twitter, often criticizing James for his lack of killer instinct and his stupid looking headband.

Bryant’s obvious disdain for LeBron will come to fruition when Kobe drops in on a Lakers practice and ‘accidentally’ trips LeBron during a scrimmage while simultaneously whispering “Black Mamba sneak attack!” Due to Bryant’s inclusion in the Illuminati, video of the tripping will be all but non-existent, allowing Kobe to maintain his innocence in the apparent freak accident.

James will subsequently fall, break both his wrists and be out for the season causing Kobe to pull of his most recent Jordan impersonation by un-retiring and then leading the hapless Lakers to a first-round playoff exit against league MVP Stephan Curry’s Golden State Warriors.

So there you have it: if LeBron decides to jettison South Beach for Hollywood in 2014, it would appear that the only bright lights he will be seeing are those of the operating room.