Holiday Classic “A Christmas Story” Re-Casted With Sports Stars

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What If "A Christmas Story" Were Re-Casted to Star Professional Athletes?

What If "A Christmas Story" Were Re-Casted to Star Professional Athletes?
Photo Credit: @AChristmasStory

If you are in America and you currently have cable television, it’s highly unlikely that you haven’t seen the Christmas classic movie, “A Christmas Story.” Not only is the film memorable, quotable, and beloved by millions of people, but cable networks also relentlessly show the move around this time of year, with TBS actually running the film for 24 hours straight on Christmas Day.

One of the enduring characteristics of “A Christmas Story” is how great of characters were created on screen. Whether it’s the sailor-mouthed Mr. Parker, the always crying brother Randy looking like the Michelin Man in his winter clothes, or even the protagonist complete with thick-rimmed glasses Ralphie, the characters in this movie have endured the 30 years since the film was first released back in 1983.

In some hypothetical scenario where this movie was actually being made today, though, what if the actors weren’t the ones that originally portrayed these characters? What if the casting director and production team decided to go in a different direction? What if the movie had cast modern professional athletes in the roles that we’ve come to know?

It’s an interesting and utterly ridiculous question to ponder, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t put what is probably far too much thought into this. Recalling each major to semi-major character’s tendencies, big parts in the plot and several other things, I wanted each athlete selected for each role to be aptly described by his role in the movie. It’s silly, but it’s a good time. Now showing (not really): “A Christmas Story: The Professional Athlete Remix.”

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Serena Williams as Miss Shields

Serena Williams as Miss Shields
Susan Mullane - USA Today Sports Images

In the film, Miss Shields was the type of no-nonsense teacher that almost everyone has experienced in their lifetime. Obvious Serena Williams is too busy dominating women’s tennis to teach, but if she were to take up a ruler at the edge of a chalkboard, I can easily imagine her being the one to give Ralphie’s paper about the Red Ryder B.B. Gun low marks.

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Abby Wambach as Mrs. Parker

Abby Wambach as Mrs. Parker
Greg Bartram - USA Today Sports Images

Ralphie’s mother, Mrs. Parker, always seemed like she was in control to me. Sure, it was clear that Mr. Parker was the head of the household, but the mother was there to discipline and to, more or less, try and keep things going smoothly. Similarly, Abby Wambach has been that for the United States Women’s National Soccer Team. When she’s on the pitch, she’s the one calling the shots, even if it doesn’t always seem that way.

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Derek Holland as Schwartz

Derek Holland as Schwartz
Jesse Johnson - USA Today Sports Images

If you don’t remember Schwartz, he’s Ralphie’s pal that issues the “triple-dog dare” to Flick to stick his tongue to the frozen pole. Though Derek Holland may have played a different role in the Texas Rangers’ reenactment of the movie, Holland would totally be perfect as the guy egging on one of his chums to do something stupid.

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JaVale McGee as Flick

JaVale McGee as Flick
Chris Humphreys - USA Today Sports Images

Speaking of Flick, JaVale McGee is the only choice that makes sense. The reasoning: if you had to imagine one athlete in the world taking a dare that results in them getting their tongue stuck to a frozen pole on a playground, JaVale is going to be the guy like 98 percent of the time, right?

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David West as Grover Dill

David West as Grover Dill
Brad Penner - USA Today Sports Images

You may not remember Grover Dill in the film, but he’s one of the bullies and runs with Scut Farkus. Farkus is clearly the leader, but Dill is certainly a feisty and nasty bully. That’s pretty much how David West makes a living. He’s obviously not a blatant A-hole like Dill and Farkus, but he certainly bullies people in the post to find success, even if he’s not the head-honcho on his team.

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Andrew Luck as The Narrator/Grown-Up Ralphie

Andrew Luck as The Narrator/Grown-Up Ralphie
Brian Spurlock - USA Today Sports Images

I’m not going to lie, there’s really no other reasoning behind thinking that Andrew Luck should narrate this version of the movie other than the fact that I think it’d be hilarious to hear him talk and tell stories for an hour and a half.

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Charles Barkley as Mr. Parker/The Old Man

Charles Barkley as Mr. Parker/The Old Man
Mark J. Rebilas - USA Today Sports Images

Going with Charles Barkley as Ralphie’s father may be cheating slightly since Barkley isn’t still playing, but it’s just too perfect of a fit. We need a man who curses frequently, is actually good at being a father (or whatever he does) and that has never won anything to the point that he relishes in the fact that he won a leg lamp—that just screams Sir Charles. On a related note, if I don’t see Barkley with a leg lamp at some point in life, I’ll consider my life unfulfilled.

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Ndamukong Suh as Scut Farkus

Ndamukong Suh as Scut Farkus
Andrew Weber - USA Today Sports Images

Ndamukong Suh may not have yellow eyes like Scut Farkus, but Suh definitely has a mean streak that has been pretty well publicized. In his career, Suh’s problems with acting immaturely and, at times, violently on the field haven’t done well for his image. However, the image that has been created for him is perfect to play the Farkus role.

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Cristiano Ronaldo as Randy Parker

Cristiano Ronaldo as Randy Parker
Scott Rovak - USA Today Sports Images

Here are the highlights of Ralphie’s little brother Randy in the movie: he cries while sitting in a cabinet because he thinks that his dad is going to kill his brother, he whines because he doesn’t want to eat mashed potatoes, and he cries because he can’t put his arms down in all of the coats that he has on. Basically what I’m getting at is that Randy whines and cries incessantly, which is why Cristiano Ronaldo gets the part. Ronaldo is without question one of the best soccer players in the world and has gotten slightly better about his diving and whining, but considering how much he moaned and complained about calls or whatever else before, it could really only get better.

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Tony Romo as Ralphie Parker

Tony Romo as Ralphie Parker
Matthew Emmons - USA Today Sports Images

Tony Romo was born to play Ralphie. He can get excited, star in a leading role, and have a refreshing climactic moment where everything seems to work out. However, when the end of the movie comes around for Ralphie or when the fourth quarter and crunch time comes around for Romo, they are both indubitably going to shoot their eye out.


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