Giving College Basketball Coaches Proper Yelp Reviews

By Jerry Landry

Giving College Basketball Coaches Proper Yelp Reviews

Coach K Duke Blue Devils Final Four Yelp Review — Critical court is now in session! Outside of any Facebook comment thread, there is no greater school of scrutiny than the Yelp dashboard. Need to figure out which restaurant is poisoning people? Check Yelp! Need to find out if a local doctor is too incompetent to treat your sports hernia? Go to Yelp! In fact, there’s a snarky Yelp-like review for just about everything, including but not limited to, this twist on these kooky coaches.

10. Gregg Marshall — Four Stars

Gregg Marshall Wichita State Alabama head coach NCAA Tournament

10. Gregg Marshall — Four Stars

Gregg Marshall Wichita State Alabama head coach NCAA Tournament — Gregg Marshall looks like a version of Jamie Dixon that understands math. Marshall can point and yell just like any other coach, but it’s the $14 Rite-Aid glasses that really set coach Marshall apart.

9. Mike Krzyzewski — Four Stars

Coach K Duke Blue Devils Mike Krzyzewski Final Four Yelp Reviews

9. Mike Krzyzewski — Four Stars

Coach K Duke Blue Devils Mike Krzyzewski Final Four Yelp Reviews — I’m not sure why I feel this way, but I’m pretty certain Coach K spits on his bagels before eating them. And why wouldn’t he? The man can do anything he wants except win as a second seed. This devil doppelgänger is always in control of the process, and although Krzyzewski is a bit over the top with all the yelling and the Paul Mitchell hair helmet, this Dukie is an honorable legend.

8. Bo Ryan — Two Stars

Bo Ryan Wisconsin Badgers Final Four Yelp Reviews

8. Bo Ryan — Two Stars

Bo Ryan Wisconsin Badgers Final Four Yelp Reviews — Bo Ryan is about as smooth as chaparral. I’d reach out to him but this old codger would probably bite my hand and then block my request to transfer.

7. Sean Miller — Four Stars

Arizona Wildcats Sean Miller NCAA Tournament

7. Sean Miller — Four Stars

Arizona Wildcats Sean Miller NCAA Tournament — I was about to write a Yelp review for Bobby Moynihan until I realized that this was Sean Miller, and the Arizona Wildcats' coach is much, much funnier. You go Miller! Coach them ‘Cats!

6. Bruce Weber — Two Stars

Bruce Weber Kansas State Wildcats head coach

6. Bruce Weber — Two Stars

Bruce Weber Kansas State Wildcats head coach — Bruce Weber does not have a mute button and his loud chirps could pierce Kevlar. That’s probably why the Kansas State student section sits on the opposite end of the arena.

5. Rick Pitino — Three Stars

Rick Pitino Louisville Cardinals head coach NCAA Tournament

5. Rick Pitino — Three Stars

Rick Pitino Louisville Cardinals head coach NCAA Tournament — Rick Pitino has looked 59 for about 32 years. I can’t tell if he’s aging gracefully or no longer allowing any new wrinkles into his dermal gameplan. Well, either way, three stars.

4. Roy Williams — Three Stars

Roy Williams North Carolina Tar Heels head coach Yelp review

4. Roy Williams — Three Stars

Roy Williams North Carolina Tar Heels head coach Yelp review — Roy Williams should wear dad sweaters more often.

3. Bill Self — Two Stars

Bill Self Kansas Jayhawks head coach Yelp review

3. Bill Self — Two Stars

Bill Self Kansas Jayhawks head coach Yelp review — I thought the whole Bill Self experience was just a little too overrated.

2. Tom Izzo — Five Stars

Tom Izzo Michigan State Spartans Final Four Yelp review

2. Tom Izzo — Five Stars

Tom Izzo Michigan State Spartans Final Four Yelp review — I gave Tom Izzo a bran muffin and he turned it into a buttered Maine lobster. Then he took my dog for a walk. What a guy!

1. John Calipari — Three Stars

John Calipari Kentucky Wildcats NCAA Final Four Yelp Reviews

1. John Calipari — Three Stars

John Calipari Kentucky Wildcats NCAA Final Four Yelp Reviews — Calipari took me to visit “One-and-Done Island,” and I must say it was a blast. It felt like what I was doing might’ve been illegal, but for some reason the Kentucky coach completely cleared my conscience. Oh, and Coach C gave me a great deal on snake oil!

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