Top 20 Reasons Michael Jordan’s Life is Better than Yours
MJ Life is Better Than Yours
Michael Jordan is widely considered the best basketball player to ever grace the hardwood. If you are old enough, at least to remember the Nike commercials, you get angry to the point of bitter when folks suggest that Lebron James might one day surpass his Airness. Regardless of who you actually think is the best to ever play(Full Disclosure: I am in the Magic Johnson camp), all respect Jordan, as he won six NBA Titles and inspired a nation to be like Mike.
Now that his 50th birthday is coming close, Feb. 17, we all get to experience every Jordan moment being jammed down our collective throats. Sure, it has gotten to the point of nausea, but you love it. Plus, for the younger people who never got to see him play, we should consider us lucky enough that we still care enough about him to dedicate a whole week to celebrating the birth of the former North Carolina Tar Heel. Education is the key to our youth or something like that
Most are going to bore you, reciting his achievements or how he made the game of basketball better but not me. I am going to help ruin any confidence that you have within yourself. I have been granted the opportunity to not only shatter your dreams but let you know how awesome Michael Jeffery Jordan's life is while yours doesn't really measure up.
Today, in honor of him turning 50, I present to you the Top 20 Reasons Why Michael Jordan's Life is Better Than Yours". You're welcome in advance.
Joe is a Senior Writer for Rant Sports who primarily covers the Catholic Seven. For the love of Sam Cassell, follow Joe on the Twitter Machine @JosephNardone
Legal Note: Joe nor Rant Sports is responsible for you feeling like a bum after reading how much Jordan is better than you. Because let us be honest, nobody is better than MJ. Well, maybe with the exception of Kate Upton, she is really hot.
Jordan Can Rock a Hitler Stache
Jordan reintroduced the world to Adolf Hitler. No, not by educating folks on how horrible the man was but by rocking the Hitler Stache. While it has NEVER been recommended that anyone actually sport that kind of facial hair, Jordan used his built up credibility to give it a whirl.
You try going to work with your facial hair shaved in the same way as history's most evil man. Doubt you will keep your job that long.
MJ Can Gamble And We Don't Judge Him
MJ is a world renown gambler. It has been reported that he used to gamble late nights, into the mornings, before huge playoff games. Not only did he do that but he won the next game. You have a hard time getting up for work without going to the casino the night before, Jordan was winning championships doing so.
Gets Free Nike Shoes
Some of us dig deep in our pockets to try to scavenge up enough coin to purchase the newest pair of Jordan's. All Mike has to do is call Phil Knight and tell him to Fed-Ex them overnight. You don't even know Knight's cell number.
Jordan Beat Being Bald
The only thing Jordan ever lost was the battle with his hairline, but even with that he found a way to win in the end. Only Bruce Willis can claim the same success with baldness as Jordan. You and I, not so much.
Jordan Can Be Incompetent but it is Okay
Jordan has manged to stay involved in the NBA in many different fashions. Whether it was as a GM, President of Basketball Operations, or now as an owner, Jordan has never left the NBA post-retirement despite his inability to be any good at those jobs. Those levels of incompetence would get the rest of us fired.
MJ Can Get Away With Wearing Dirty Shorts
Jordan used to wear his old North Carolina shorts underneath his Chicago Bulls pair. Think about that for a second, he wore a pair of old, and surely dirty, pair of shorts at least 82 days a year. Try getting your spouse to allow you to do such a thing. You'll be on the couch for months.
Jordan is so Awesome He Made Us Forget His Short-Shorts
Jordan became so awesome that an era where he wore incredibly tiny pairs of shorts have been forgotten. Us on the other hand, have to deal with our mothers showing pictures of us in short denim every time we bring a lady home.
Got Paid to Wear Underpants. For you, it's called Unemployment
Jordan hasn't only been a spokesman for Nike, he has also had a long relationship with Hanes. For what feels like an eternity, Jordan has been paid to walk around in his, or have another person walk around in their, boxers. In real life, a person who gets paid to walk around in their underpants isn't exactly a desired profession for normal folk.
Can Short a Woman Money. And You...
At one point in his past Jordan was accused of paying a woman off to keep their affair a secret. The told amount of the bribery was a cool $5 million, but the woman accused Jordan of only paying her $250,000. A judge, who claimed he wasn't a fan of Jordan, said he didn't owe her a single dime. We can't pay for a single street-walker and get any kind of discount, even if we are repeat customers. I mean, not that I would know anything about that.
Jordan can make Awful Cereals Awesome
Wheaties has never tasted good. However, Jordan tricked all of us into begging our parents to buy a box, only for us to have to load sugar on it just to shove it down our gullet. In my four years as a parent, I have yet been able to trick my daughters in to eating anything healthy, but disgusting.
MJ Can Still Rock One Earing. You Can't
Okay, I might be wrong because I'm no longer(If I ever was) hip, but nobody rocks the one earing thing anymore, right? Yet it doesn't stop Michael from parading around with a cross dangling from his ear. Not only can't you pull it off but your employer will send you home for such a daring fashion statement.
Jordan is Egomaniacal and nobody Cares
Nobody is a bigger fan of Michael Jordan than Michael Jordan. At his Hall of Fame speech alone, Jordan wasn't above putting down a person he played with in High School to tell us how awesome he is. Not only can't we pull off such a narcissistic move but we consider it one of the worst traits a human can have. Well, except when Jordan shows his love for himself.
Jordan is still a Mystery
Even though MJ is one of, if not the most, recognizable people in the whole world, he has been able to keep an air of mystery surrounding him. Not many can even claim they know the real Michael. For us, our mystery ends when we bring someone home from a bar and they see our one bedroom efficiency-apartment.
Made Luc Longley Cool. We Cannot
Jordan gave Luc Longely something he can tell his grandkids about. I don't think any of us can do the same. But I digress...
Made the Washington Wizards Watchable
Jordan, in all his greatness, couldn't make the Wizards a great team or anything, but he did make them must see TV. Now as confident as I am as a person, and you are as well, I doubt anyone of us could do anything to make anyone want to watch them. As far as I can tell, not even family members of Washington players want to watch them play.
Jordan Makes Cigars Classy. You Don't
Smoking is bad for you. While some of us are addicted to it, we all know the horrible things that will ensue with every puff we take. However, Jordan lights up his cigar without having a care in the world. He even makes smoking something that Bert Sugar used to put in his mouth look classy. Not saying Sugar wasn't classy, just saying Jordan pulls it off better than any of us would.
Jordan Pulls Models at 50. We can NEVER
Okay, most of us can't, or won't, get to be with a model at any time in our life(Maybe a hand model). But Jordan is closing in on 50 and he is engaged to a model of Cuban decent. I imagine when I am 50, I'll be so busy plucking the hair out of my nose, I couldn't even fathom the idea of a model wanting me. Not that one wants me now.
I see you Kate Upton....Still...
Jordan is a Brand and a Person
Whenever Jordan, the man, kicks the bucket the world will be sad over his death. However, Jordan will not be forgotten. Not only will his hoops legacy last forever but people will have a reminder of the man every time they look at their feet. For us, well your cat might remember you for a little bit.
Although, it won't be fond memories. Really, Sparkles, you don't like being locked in a broom closet?
Jordan owns the flu
In the same vein of the casino theory. Jordan played in a game affectionately known as "The Flue Game." Game 5 of the 1997 NBA Finals saw a sick Jordan go for 38 points and leading his Bulls to a huge victory. What do you do when you have the flu? Curl up on the couch, with a glass of orange juice, calling out for your mommy I bet.
Michael Jordan is Michael Jordan
See all the reasons before this. It is pretty simple. He is Michael Jordan and you are not. But good luck shaving your head bald, rocking the Hitler Stache, with a dangling earimg in one ear, the night after you went to the casino while battling the flu. I am sure Luc Longley will appreciate you.