Top 20 Reasons Michael Jordan’s Life is Better than Yours

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MJ Life is Better Than Yours

1
Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

Michael Jordan is widely considered the best basketball player to ever grace the hardwood. If you are old enough, at least to remember the Nike commercials, you get angry to the point of bitter when folks suggest that Lebron James might one day surpass his Airness. Regardless of who you actually think is the best to ever play(Full Disclosure: I am in the Magic Johnson camp), all respect Jordan, as he won six NBA Titles and inspired a nation to be like Mike.

Now that his 50th birthday is coming close, Feb. 17, we all get to experience every Jordan moment being jammed down our collective throats. Sure, it has gotten to the point of nausea, but you love it. Plus, for the younger people who never got to see him play, we should consider us lucky enough that we still care enough about him to dedicate a whole week to celebrating the birth of the former North Carolina Tar Heel. Education is the key to our youth or something like that

Most are going to bore you, reciting his achievements or how he made the game of basketball better but not me. I am going to help ruin any confidence that you have within yourself. I have been granted the opportunity to not only shatter your dreams but let you know how awesome Michael Jeffery Jordan's life is while yours doesn't really measure up.

Today, in honor of him turning 50, I present to you the Top 20 Reasons Why Michael Jordan's Life is Better Than Yours". You're welcome in advance.

Joe is a Senior Writer for Rant Sports who primarily covers the Catholic Seven. For the love of Sam Cassell, follow Joe on the Twitter Machine @JosephNardone

Legal Note: Joe nor Rant Sports is responsible for you feeling like a bum after reading how much Jordan is better than you. Because let us be honest, nobody is better than MJ. Well, maybe with the exception of Kate Upton, she is really hot.

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Jordan Can Rock a Hitler Stache

Not me or you
Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

Jordan reintroduced the world to Adolf Hitler. No, not by educating folks on how horrible the man was but by rocking the Hitler Stache. While it has NEVER been recommended that anyone actually sport that kind of facial hair, Jordan used his built up credibility to give it a whirl.

You try going to work with your facial hair shaved in the same way as history's most evil man. Doubt you will keep your job that long.

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MJ Can Gamble And We Don't Judge Him

Gambling Man
Sam Sharpe-USA TODAY Sports

MJ is a world renown gambler. It has been reported that he used to gamble late nights, into the mornings, before huge playoff games. Not only did he do that but he won the next game. You have a hard time getting up for work without going to the casino the night before, Jordan was winning championships doing so.

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Gets Free Nike Shoes

Like Mike
Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

Some of us dig deep in our pockets to try to scavenge up enough coin to purchase the newest pair of Jordan's. All Mike has to do is call Phil Knight and tell him to Fed-Ex them overnight. You don't even know Knight's cell number.

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Jordan Beat Being Bald

IF you can only see
Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

The only thing Jordan ever lost was the battle with his hairline, but even with that he found a way to win in the end. Only Bruce Willis can claim the same success with baldness as Jordan. You and I, not so much.

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Jordan Can Be Incompetent but it is Okay

Not for you
Sam Sharpe-USA TODAY Sports

Jordan has manged to stay involved in the NBA in many different fashions. Whether it was as a GM, President of Basketball Operations, or now as an owner, Jordan has never left the NBA post-retirement despite his inability to be any good at those jobs. Those levels of incompetence would get the rest of us fired.

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MJ Can Get Away With Wearing Dirty Shorts

Yuck
Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

Jordan used to wear his old North Carolina shorts underneath his Chicago Bulls pair. Think about that for a second, he wore a pair of old, and surely dirty, pair of shorts at least 82 days a year. Try getting your spouse to allow you to do such a thing. You'll be on the couch for months.

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Jordan is so Awesome He Made Us Forget His Short-Shorts

HEY
Sam Sharpe-USA TODAY Sports

Jordan became so awesome that an era where he wore incredibly tiny pairs of shorts have been forgotten. Us on the other hand, have to deal with our mothers showing pictures of us in short denim every time we bring a lady home.

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Got Paid to Wear Underpants. For you, it's called Unemployment

Yes
Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Jordan hasn't only been a spokesman for Nike, he has also had a long relationship with Hanes. For what feels like an eternity, Jordan has been paid to walk around in his, or have another person walk around in their, boxers. In real life, a person who gets paid to walk around in their underpants isn't exactly a desired profession for normal folk.

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Can Short a Woman Money. And You...

MOO HAHA
Rob Grabowski-USA TODAY Sports

At one point in his past Jordan was accused of paying a woman off to keep their affair a secret. The told amount of the bribery was a cool $5 million, but the woman accused Jordan of only paying her $250,000. A judge, who claimed he wasn't a fan of Jordan, said he didn't owe her a single dime. We can't pay for a single street-walker and get any kind of discount, even if we are repeat customers. I mean, not that I would know anything about that.

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Jordan can make Awful Cereals Awesome

He did it to us all
Sam Sharpe-USA TODAY Sports

Wheaties has never tasted good. However, Jordan tricked all of us into begging our parents to buy a box, only for us to have to load sugar on it just to shove it down our gullet. In my four years as a parent, I have yet been able to trick my daughters in to eating anything healthy, but disgusting.

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MJ Can Still Rock One Earing. You Can't

EarinMJ
The Star-Ledger-USA TODAY Sports

Okay, I might be wrong because I'm no longer(If I ever was) hip, but nobody rocks the one earing thing anymore, right? Yet it doesn't stop Michael from parading around with a cross dangling from his ear. Not only can't you pull it off but your employer will send you home for such a daring fashion statement.

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Jordan is Egomaniacal and nobody Cares

HUF
Rob Grabowski-USA TODAY Sports

Nobody is a bigger fan of Michael Jordan than Michael Jordan. At his Hall of Fame speech alone, Jordan wasn't above putting down a person he played with in High School to tell us how awesome he is. Not only can't we pull off such a narcissistic move but we consider it one of the worst traits a human can have. Well, except when Jordan shows his love for himself.

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Jordan is still a Mystery

Dudes Man
Rob Grabowski-USA TODAY Sports

Even though MJ is one of, if not the most, recognizable people in the whole world, he has been able to keep an air of mystery surrounding him. Not many can even claim they know the real Michael. For us, our mystery ends when we bring someone home from a bar and they see our one bedroom efficiency-apartment.

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Made Luc Longley Cool. We Cannot

Luke
Sam Sharpe-USA TODAY Sports

Jordan gave Luc Longely something he can tell his grandkids about. I don't think any of us can do the same. But I digress...

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Made the Washington Wizards Watchable

YESSSS
Sam Sharpe-USA TODAY Sports

Jordan, in all his greatness, couldn't make the Wizards a great team or anything, but he did make them must see TV. Now as confident as I am as a person, and you are as well, I doubt anyone of us could do anything to make anyone want to watch them. As far as I can tell, not even family members of Washington players want to watch them play.

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Jordan Makes Cigars Classy. You Don't

Smokey
Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

Smoking is bad for you. While some of us are addicted to it, we all know the horrible things that will ensue with every puff we take. However, Jordan lights up his cigar without having a care in the world. He even makes smoking something that Bert Sugar used to put in his mouth look classy. Not saying Sugar wasn't classy, just saying Jordan pulls it off better than any of us would.

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Jordan Pulls Models at 50. We can NEVER

NIK
Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

Okay, most of us can't, or won't, get to be with a model at any time in our life(Maybe a hand model). But Jordan is closing in on 50 and he is engaged to a model of Cuban decent. I imagine when I am 50, I'll be so busy plucking the hair out of my nose, I couldn't even fathom the idea of a model wanting me. Not that one wants me now.

I see you Kate Upton....Still...

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Jordan is a Brand and a Person

We Don't
Sam Sharpe-USA TODAY Sports

Whenever Jordan, the man, kicks the bucket the world will be sad over his death. However, Jordan will not be forgotten. Not only will his hoops legacy last forever but people will have a reminder of the man every time they look at their feet. For us, well your cat might remember you for a little bit.

Although, it won't be fond memories. Really, Sparkles, you don't like being locked in a broom closet?

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Jordan owns the flu

YES
Douglas Jones-USA TODAY Sports

In the same vein of the casino theory. Jordan played in a game affectionately known as "The Flue Game." Game 5 of the 1997 NBA Finals saw a sick Jordan go for 38 points and leading his Bulls to a huge victory. What do you do when you have the flu? Curl up on the couch, with a glass of orange juice, calling out for your mommy I bet.

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Michael Jordan is Michael Jordan

Obisouly
Matt Cashore-USA TODAY Sports

See all the reasons before this. It is pretty simple. He is Michael Jordan and you are not. But good luck shaving your head bald, rocking the Hitler Stache, with a dangling earimg in one ear, the night after you went to the casino while battling the flu. I am sure Luc Longley will appreciate you.

Around the Web

  • Hank

    Jordon shaved his head to hide the bald spot,,,,get it?

  • B S

    oh, he’s undoubtedly richer and more well known than i am, but i think i could live without being a compulsive gambler and wife beater. so in some ways i think MY life is undoubtedly “better” than his.

  • Jack Madison

    I think MJ is a jackass who has spent his money the wrong way.
    Twenty ways I’m better than Michael Jordan:
    1. I’m white. If I have to explain that and you think I’m actually being racist… you’re a moron.
    2. No one says behind my back “he’s a jerk.” Why? Because my employees love me and I help gobs of people.
    3. I spend 50% of my income on charity.
    4. My children actually like me.
    5. I would not need to pay anyone off regarding an affair.
    6. I’m hilarious…People pay me gobs of money to write funny shit.
    7. I’m considerate of others.
    8. I’m not arrogant…except to moronic people who believe this list is otherwise.
    9. Because I am genuine…”Mystery” simply means disingenuous in MJ’s case.
    10. I pay for my New Balance which are Made in America and outlast any Nike made in a sweat factory in China by 5 times.
    11. I do not put down *people publicly. *Except, obviously….here, to make a point.
    12. Morons who believe lists such as MJ’s is “cool” would NEVER think mine is cool…. Which is ironic and good at the same time….overall, in the real world.
    13. I could beat MJ at football and pool. I played college football and I’ve not found anyone yet that can beat me at pool.
    14. I run a Marathon a year.
    15. My wife actually loves me.
    16. I don’t cheat on my taxes.
    17. I’ve never hit someone with my car, lied about it and paid off the family to make it go away.
    18. My wife does not run my life, my finances or what I wear…I’m a man’s man. MJ’s wife pulls him around by his dick….even though you write the contrary.
    19. I’m not a liar.
    20. I have thick, luscious hair…and I’m 47.

    • Cornelius

      You sound like a world class asshole who enjoys patting yourself on the back more than anything in the world.

      • Jack Madison

        lol.
        You’re reading an article about a world class asshole yet you attack me? lol…Seems our priorities are a tad askew. I wrote what I wrote because I know most guys can relate and articles such as this are only here to make people feel bad about themselves.
        If you’re incapable of understanding then you should probably keep your comments to yourself. Ignorance is a difficult thing to overcome in reality.

      • Jack Madison

        and by the by Cornelius, we’re in a forum regarding a list so it is only apropos that I insert my own. It’s partly to have other guys relate, partly to be funny and mainly to extrapolate that Michael isn’t that great.

  • Jack Madison

    Since I’ve continued reading I’ve noticed one more way I’m better than MJ since you mentioned the Flu.
    In 1990 when Michael was running up and down indoors and throwing a ball into a little net I was on my stomach in Bosnia…with the Flu. For six days we trudged through mud to hold off an invasion of approximately 350 men…six of us. While I had the Flu the entire time. I will not mention what took place….but, that’s Number 21 on reasons I’m better than Michael Jordan.
    Now I’m a writer…..Go figure.

    • Matt Webber

      and you suck

  • Cornelius

    He’s a wife beater? When the hell did this happen? Please give me one news article or anything suggesting this because you quite obviously pulled it out of your ass.

    • Jack Madison

      You’re kidding, right? Not only did Jordan go through a divorce that had domestic violence as partly to blame, even his teammates would complain about him beating them during practice.
      Think about that for a moment…..A grown man is beating other men during practice….And I don’t mean just “being rough.” I mean actually hitting them. I’m 46 so I grew up watching this piece of crap do his thing. Simply google “michael jordan domestic dispute” and more articles will come up than you can shake a stick at.
      There are much easier ways to put a woman in her place. Fucking the nonsense out of her is one….being affectionate is another. Buying her tiny trinkets when she isn’t expecting them is still another. Women are easy to deal with. It’s the weak men who feel they need to hit in order to control.
      Michael Jordan may be a successful basketball player, but everyone knows as a manager is crap and as a man he is weak.

      • Naheem Quattlebaum

        I wonder if you really are a happy person…

        • Jack Madison

          Wonderfully happy. In fact, sometimes I get so happy about my life that I have to wear my favorite T-shirt. It shows michael jordan dunking a basketball while eating a big mac. Golly it makes me happy.
          Considering I’ve actually sat down at a table a few times with Michael I think it’s safe to say I’m not only right, but quite happy myself.
          When I worked near him as a young man I always amazed at how fake he was. Because when someone has such a genuine talent you always believe the heart will follow.
          Nope.

  • Courtney T

    what are you talking about Michael Jordan has a 14 million dollar house.. a model wife after a 150 million dollar settlement ..6 rings and is smoking Cuban cigars on golf course right now … your life is f****** terrible what the f*** do you mean… his life is a million times better than yours!!! Accept it

  • Courtney T

    And I served my country in military as well..but im not taking anything away from this … you can’t take anything away from this man …he has worked for his and prodbably had to make a lot of personal sacrifices that you don’t know about so… write something other than a coaster and then we can talk

  • Adam Contreras

    This article is full of BS. For one thing, do you really think MJ girlfriend she really loves a 55 year old man? Say no to gold diggers. 2nd, my blood is not in my hands. How many black kids have to die to collect limited edition Jordan sneakers of mid night openings? 3rd, MJ is not allowed to say stupid things with the media or anything stupid. I may not have money,own share from Nike & owner of the Bobcats, but I’m very happy with my life.