Very rarely do the stars of sports align like they will this Saturday, May 2. For one day, and for now one day only, the end of the NFL Draft, the 141st Kentucky Derby and the fight between Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao will air on the same day. Talk about sports nirvana. Talk about a gauntlet.
So how do you traverse this fiery gauntlet of sports fury? Well first off, you don’t complain about this virtuous task that’s been thrusted upon you, because complaining is for hosers, poseurs and junior prom dates. You’re a vertebrate and it’s time you acted like one. Now straighten up your spine and get ready for this rundown.
So which sporting event are you most excited about this weekend? The Derby, The Fight, NFL Draft, or NBA Playoffs? Derby for me!! — Kirk Herbstreit (@KirkHerbstreit) April 29, 2015
On Saturday when you wake up, and before you do anything stupid, make sure you have the fuel to get through this firestorm. Cancel all wedding plans, “brunch dates,” and whatever you had docketed for Saturday afternoon and get over to your local supermarket and/or Blimpie ASAP. Hunt down about two yards of party sub — that’s six feet of hoagie for those of you who prefer to not think any more than you have to.
When you get to setting the hoagie upon your home counter, don’t just eat all six feet of your submarine sandwich like some clown, but parse it out over your evening. Take a couple feet for the draft, save some for the derby and then eat the rest during the fight (don’t worry, I’ll provide further rationing detail below).
Also, don’t forget to purchase extra cheese, breading and condiments in case you have an aggressive underbite. No two people consume sandwiches the same.
For refreshment, I recommend two liters of Fresca, some tap water, and if you must imbibe, your favorite adult beverage of choice in a precise quantity that won’t encourage slumber — or lead to a violent rampage through your cul-de-sac. In addition, find yourself a good source of caffeine. I propose at least six cans of Starbucks DoubleShot espresso and cream coolers (are you in it to win it? Or just happy to be here?).
Okay, back to the festivities! First up, the 2015 NFL Draft. I know it’s just rounds four through seven, but this is where freakshow sleepers like Tom Brady and Terrell Davis lurk. So why would you miss it?
The draft should conclude around 6 p.m. EST which is right around when Roger Goodell’s hair must be re-coiffed for watching the Kentucky Derby, which holds its biggest race right around the very non-approximate time of 6:24 p.m. EST.
About 24 minutes from end of draft until the 141st running of the derby? Plenty of time to eat about a foot of that party sub.
The running of the derby lasts about as long as Gary Busey’s attention span, so it would be a good idea to get caffeinated beforehand. Also, you’re probably digesting about a furlong of that party sub, so it couldn’t hurt to throw a curveball at your inevitable food coma.
Another way to stay alert throughout the Derby is to scream your favorite horse’s name throughout the 1.5 mile race. Don’t know anything about any of the horses? It’s okay, nobody does. Just pick a name you like and infuriate your neighbors.
And just like that, the race is over… now the fight is on! Well, almost.
Boxing is a bit of a shady enterprise and it’s driven purely by profit (speaking of Roger Goodell). Many sources are reporting that the fight will start at 11:30 p.m. EST and that PPV viewing starts at 9 p.m. EST. If you’re going to buy it anyway, you might as well start watching at nine o’clock, right? Or am I crazy?
Don’t answer that.
A few hours after your friends shuffle in, since you so generously purchased the PPV package (and since they so generously pitched in as well), the fight will begin. You should have sufficient simple carbohydrates coursing through your musculature thanks to either Fresca or hoagie or through the magnificent wonders of the ATP transport chain. Whether the fight lasts two minutes or 12 rounds, you won’t be the one going down early. And that is how it’s done.