Like Fletcher Reed’s boss in Liar Liar, I love a good roast. Something about the freedom to say whatever the hell you want about anyone you want should appeal to anyone. If you are unfamiliar with roasts, it’s basically a group of comedians and friends making fun everyone, using stereotypes, egregious observations, and past history as the punchline to their many jokes. And after watching the roast of Roseanne last night, it got me to thinking. What athletes should we roast?
Obviously, we need someone who has a sense of humor; we couldn’t roast Kobe about his Colorado incident considering he would be too angry. Ben Roethlisberger and Michael Vick only have one major flaw about them, so they are eliminated. While making fun of Plaxico Burress shooting himself and being broke would be great, he is pretty inconsequential. I’m sure there are some players/coaches I’m forgetting, but here are my ten athletes who I wished were a part of the dais.
10. Pete Rose
Pete Rose is a scoundrel and would do anything for money. There is plenty of good material to use for Rose since he seems to be an unpleasant human being.
9. Terrell Owens
Speaking of unpleasant human beings, Terrell Owens is quite the prima donna. Not a lot of NFL players can get cut from the Indoor Football League. Plus, Owens is very broke now, and who doesn’t love a “this guy is so broke….” joke? And like a lot of people on this list, stereotype jokes are fair game for a cheap laugh.
8. Chad Johnson
There isn’t a better time to roast Chad Johnson then now! Headbutting your wife in an argument over a receipt that had a box of condoms on it. That is gold, my friends. Also, I think Chad would be a pretty good sport about the whole thing. He’s crazy enough to enjoy it.
7. Metta World Peace/Ron Artest
Everything I just said about Chad Johnson – sans beating his wife – can be said about Metta. He’s a complete loon who gives a good comedian plenty of good material. And he would also be a very good sport about the thing. He basically embraces a roast upon him once a week on Twitter.
6. Charles Barkley
Chuck is controversial guy. Funny, but controversial. There are an endless supply of jokes on Charles Barkley: his weight, the fact he never won, his sometimes ridiculous statements, his borderline racism, the way he talks, his golf swing, etc.
5. Tim Tebow
This would be legendary. Watching Tim Tebow hear dirty, rude, racist, anti-religious jokes would be a spectacle in itself. Tim Tebow’s virginity would definitely be attacked, as would his ridiculous throwing motion. The jokes write themselves, really. Plus, we could do this for charity, allowing Tebow to raise a bajillion dollars for his foundation. It’s a win-win.
4. Tiger Woods
He can’t win a major anymore, he had sex with half of America, he’s the whitest African-American Asian there is, and he could afford to loosen up a bit. Not to mention, a lot of people hate Tiger Woods now, so a lot of people would enjoy some of the funniest guys and gals on the planet ripping into him. Fur shizzle.
3. OJ Simpson
Yes, OJ Simpson was an athlete. This roast would absolutely kill.
2. Jose Canseco
If you follow Jose Canseco on Twitter, you know how insane he truly is. Canseco is clearly a lunatic and also seems really stupid. I doubt he would even understand half the jokes said about him. One of the roasters would definitely have to be the Iron Sheik. #TeamSheike
1. Mike Tyson
Not only are there plenty of angles to take on Mike Tyson, but he would be absolutely hysterical himself. This has to happen Comedy Central. There isn’t a better potential roast out there – athlete or otherwise – that would provide more laughs than the roast of Iron Mike Tyson.
Hopefully, we can see at least one of these ten roasts in the future. If there is anyone else you would like to see roasted, feel free to make a suggestion. But I know these ten would have my insides hurting from laughter.