Any website can sit there and sit there and take stock of the league, and try and go out on what they believe to be a perilous perch, and posit predictions. That’s fine. This website’s one of them.
But I’m not here to bury the SEO-grabbing, yawn-inducing, saturated predictions market. No, I came to lampoon it. Here’s 10 Iron-Clad 2012 NFL Season Predictions, or 10 Things I Think I Think Would Happen If The Football Gods Had A Sense Of Humor (Trademark Pending):
1. The Ghost of Al Davis will become a featured cast member on Season 3 of The Walking Dead.
2. The Buffalo Bills will either start the season with five wins in six games, or finish the season with five wins in six games, and still finish 7-9, thereby guaranteeing no franchise QB draft pick and another off-season of trying to re-engineer the 1994 Honda Accord with duck tape and Flex Seal.
3. One team nobody expects will finish 10-6 or better and make the playoffs. I said NOBODY. So, not the Carolina Panthers. My pick? You guessed it: The St. Louis Rams. They’ll finish 11-5, and everyone will pretend like they saw this coming all along.
4. Greg McElroy will start an NFL game, starting a slow, painful process which will end with the universe collapsing in upon itself, thus proving that prick who made “2016: Obama’s America” right, in a way, I guess.
5. A 9-7 team will make the Super Bowl. Your best bet for that, by the way, is the Denver Broncos.
6. The Houston Texans will fire Gary Kubiak around Week 12, which will actually stop the slow, painful process which will end with the universe collapsing in upon itself, absolving Greg McElroy of any wrongdoing.
7. Ryan Tannehill‘s wife will get her own reality show, making the seamless transition from telegenic backup QB wife to telegenic and marginally famous backup QB wife a la. Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
8. Chris Berman will narrate Seattle Seahawks highlights and scream Russell Wilson‘s last name like either Tom Hanks in Castaway or Dennis The Menace. Neither will be enjoyable.
9. I will be reminded, at some point, quite unceremoniously I’m sure, that Luke McKown is an actual thing.
10. Jim Nantz will eat Tom Brady, becoming one with the Om.